Chancellor Merkel and President Sarkozy Rally Forces To Save The Euro

I told you they'd love our proposal. Credit: http://www.thelocal.de

— Europe

– Borad Roberta, Treasonous European Correspondent

“The Euro crisis is coming to an end!”, Mr Sarkozy declared. “Chancellor Merkel and I have combined our charisma and political knowledge to devise a solution to the currency problem. We have realised that many European governments haven’t got enough money and have come together to persuade all member states to approve our idea. We believe that if we can license the production of Euros be school children throughout the Eurozone, we can find money where there was none. Now, we know that the idea of creating money from scratch is not a new one, but we believe that with the added concept of using child labour we have found a way to save our union from dissolution, while also giving our children the chance to learn a stable work ethic in a good, safe working environment. Hopefully this experience will guarantee that government deficits in our union in the far future and will also make parents the responsibility of their more mature children.”

Angela Merkel continued, “This idea has the backing of both the French and German people, and we hope we can convince our fellow member states that this is the path to a better destiny. Our children are the future and if we can prepare them for future financial responsibility when they can build good habits then we should be proud, as a union and some of us as parents, of how we have raised our offspring. We have seen similar schemes around the world and have decided to enlist the help of an academic consultancy, the Imperial College branch of SIFE who have a breadth of experience in enforcing child labour.”

The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister David Cameron has immediately proclaimed himself as a staunch opponent to the Merkel-Sarkozy proposition. “I have analysed their argument”, he said, “however we in the United Kingdom believe that this approach is too draconian for the Eurozone countries, a much softer approach is needed. Have a look at the UK, we run a chilled coalition and don’t feel the need to take away our children’s childhood. The public understand that Cool Dave and Naughty Nick are the people’s people. We have experience with finance, as children we grew up with a lot of it, so people trust us to be able to budget sensibly, not like the amateur budgeting of Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling. I prefer the carrot rather than the stick, the people appreciate that …” [David Cameron was then hit over the head by President Sarkozy, who then told him to “Shut up and mind his own economy”]

Public Bodies to Implement a Three Strikes Policy

Three Strikes and you're… unemployed! Credit: ZDNet Australia

— London, United Kingdom

– Torr Ri, Political Correspondent

With a recent cut in public sector wage rises for the next two years leading to a pay cut in real terms, and a call to reduce public sector pensions, civil servants and other affected parties have gone on strike today. This has forced approximately 58% of schools in England to close today, along with affecting roughly 6,000 routine medical operations. Today’s strikes have also had the effect of increasing the number of middle aged, middle class people handing out flyers on the streets and standing around with neatly printed posters. While this has given printing companies a slight boost in revenue, recent events have caused annoyance for people on the street as they have to put in more effort into not accepting flyers or making eye contact on their way to pick up lunch.

The government gleefully reported that less than a third of civil servants were on strike today, having been sneakily chained to their desks the previous evening after carefully scheduled office parties around the country. However, our sources tell us that these parties were funded by budget cuts in government departments forcing the closure of toilets in all publicly owned office spaces. Needless to say, groggy and disgruntled civil servants were heard to be muttering in rage this morning, angrily sending emails to their line managers, saying how ministers were [sic] “taking the piss”.

After a brief and sparsely attended cabinet meeting this morning, Prime Minister David Cameron is set to announce the implementation of a Three Strikes Policy in all public bodies, starting next January. The idea being that any public sector workers engaging in 3 or more strikes during their career will be politely sent a disparaging letter from the Prime Minister before promptly being fired and replaced by younger, more desperate workers. Upon getting wind of this latest developments, public sector unions such as NAPO are already urging members to strike for the right to strike. However, with decreasing pay and increasing apathy towards life, will civil servants roll with the punches, or take a stand after rushing home for the toilet?