Standard and Poor’s and Moody’s to be Downgraded

Next stop - Down and Out

— International

– Quark Khent, Political correspondent

After a series of mistakes and poor management, Standard and Poor’s and Moody’s rating agencies have had their reputation downgraded as of 11:00 this morning.

There has been slowly growing controversy and outrage circling around the world’s two biggest rating agencies. Critics have stood by amazed as both companies have proved their lack of accountability and reliability while playing Steve Jobs (God) with the world economy. Evidence suggests that they have changed ratings with beliefs formed from political bias and poorly-formed economic analysis instead of rational and evidence-based decision-making. One financial commentator went so far as to say that the top economists at the two ratings agencies would be hard pressed to pass the contemporary A-Level Economics paper.

S&P’s and Moody’s are in the process of contesting the decision, claiming that “No-one watches the watchmen”, however Rupert Murdoch’s decision is final.

What does a downgrade mean for S&P’s and Moody’s?

Unfortunately with a rating reduction from “Elite and trustworthy” to “Immoral scumbags” both S&P’s and Moody’s will no longer be taken as gospel by investors or the financial community in general. This means that the companies will be left to analyse the integrity of less important instruments such as uncle Mac’s old Lexus or aunt Mae’s computer. Meanwhile, former competitor Fitch’s will become the biggest player on the ratings scene. However, China has started to complain that since the top rating’s companies of worldwide investment instruments have been American, they are easily affected by the domestic political and economic situation. The Chinese government have instead proposed an international ratings agency, potentially called the Cooperative Hedge INvestment Agency. This is yet to be rejected by business and finance leaders worldwide.

Chancellor Merkel and President Sarkozy Rally Forces To Save The Euro

I told you they'd love our proposal. Credit: http://www.thelocal.de

— Europe

– Borad Roberta, Treasonous European Correspondent

“The Euro crisis is coming to an end!”, Mr Sarkozy declared. “Chancellor Merkel and I have combined our charisma and political knowledge to devise a solution to the currency problem. We have realised that many European governments haven’t got enough money and have come together to persuade all member states to approve our idea. We believe that if we can license the production of Euros be school children throughout the Eurozone, we can find money where there was none. Now, we know that the idea of creating money from scratch is not a new one, but we believe that with the added concept of using child labour we have found a way to save our union from dissolution, while also giving our children the chance to learn a stable work ethic in a good, safe working environment. Hopefully this experience will guarantee that government deficits in our union in the far future and will also make parents the responsibility of their more mature children.”

Angela Merkel continued, “This idea has the backing of both the French and German people, and we hope we can convince our fellow member states that this is the path to a better destiny. Our children are the future and if we can prepare them for future financial responsibility when they can build good habits then we should be proud, as a union and some of us as parents, of how we have raised our offspring. We have seen similar schemes around the world and have decided to enlist the help of an academic consultancy, the Imperial College branch of SIFE who have a breadth of experience in enforcing child labour.”

The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister David Cameron has immediately proclaimed himself as a staunch opponent to the Merkel-Sarkozy proposition. “I have analysed their argument”, he said, “however we in the United Kingdom believe that this approach is too draconian for the Eurozone countries, a much softer approach is needed. Have a look at the UK, we run a chilled coalition and don’t feel the need to take away our children’s childhood. The public understand that Cool Dave and Naughty Nick are the people’s people. We have experience with finance, as children we grew up with a lot of it, so people trust us to be able to budget sensibly, not like the amateur budgeting of Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling. I prefer the carrot rather than the stick, the people appreciate that …” [David Cameron was then hit over the head by President Sarkozy, who then told him to “Shut up and mind his own economy”]