Public Bodies to Implement a Three Strikes Policy

Three Strikes and you're… unemployed! Credit: ZDNet Australia

— London, United Kingdom

– Torr Ri, Political Correspondent

With a recent cut in public sector wage rises for the next two years leading to a pay cut in real terms, and a call to reduce public sector pensions, civil servants and other affected parties have gone on strike today. This has forced approximately 58% of schools in England to close today, along with affecting roughly 6,000 routine medical operations. Today’s strikes have also had the effect of increasing the number of middle aged, middle class people handing out flyers on the streets and standing around with neatly printed posters. While this has given printing companies a slight boost in revenue, recent events have caused annoyance for people on the street as they have to put in more effort into not accepting flyers or making eye contact on their way to pick up lunch.

The government gleefully reported that less than a third of civil servants were on strike today, having been sneakily chained to their desks the previous evening after carefully scheduled office parties around the country. However, our sources tell us that these parties were funded by budget cuts in government departments forcing the closure of toilets in all publicly owned office spaces. Needless to say, groggy and disgruntled civil servants were heard to be muttering in rage this morning, angrily sending emails to their line managers, saying how ministers were [sic] “taking the piss”.

After a brief and sparsely attended cabinet meeting this morning, Prime Minister David Cameron is set to announce the implementation of a Three Strikes Policy in all public bodies, starting next January. The idea being that any public sector workers engaging in 3 or more strikes during their career will be politely sent a disparaging letter from the Prime Minister before promptly being fired and replaced by younger, more desperate workers. Upon getting wind of this latest developments, public sector unions such as NAPO are already urging members to strike for the right to strike. However, with decreasing pay and increasing apathy towards life, will civil servants roll with the punches, or take a stand after rushing home for the toilet?