Standard and Poor’s and Moody’s to be Downgraded

Next stop - Down and Out

— International

– Quark Khent, Political correspondent

After a series of mistakes and poor management, Standard and Poor’s and Moody’s rating agencies have had their reputation downgraded as of 11:00 this morning.

There has been slowly growing controversy and outrage circling around the world’s two biggest rating agencies. Critics have stood by amazed as both companies have proved their lack of accountability and reliability while playing Steve Jobs (God) with the world economy. Evidence suggests that they have changed ratings with beliefs formed from political bias and poorly-formed economic analysis instead of rational and evidence-based decision-making. One financial commentator went so far as to say that the top economists at the two ratings agencies would be hard pressed to pass the contemporary A-Level Economics paper.

S&P’s and Moody’s are in the process of contesting the decision, claiming that “No-one watches the watchmen”, however Rupert Murdoch’s decision is final.

What does a downgrade mean for S&P’s and Moody’s?

Unfortunately with a rating reduction from “Elite and trustworthy” to “Immoral scumbags” both S&P’s and Moody’s will no longer be taken as gospel by investors or the financial community in general. This means that the companies will be left to analyse the integrity of less important instruments such as uncle Mac’s old Lexus or aunt Mae’s computer. Meanwhile, former competitor Fitch’s will become the biggest player on the ratings scene. However, China has started to complain that since the top rating’s companies of worldwide investment instruments have been American, they are easily affected by the domestic political and economic situation. The Chinese government have instead proposed an international ratings agency, potentially called the Cooperative Hedge INvestment Agency. This is yet to be rejected by business and finance leaders worldwide.

Herman Cain – Georgia’s Eros?

— Georgia, United States

– Win Dee, American Corespondent

"Herman Cain, a man about town" Credit: http://www.opinion-forum.com

Former Presidential hopeful Herman Cain has hit back at detractors criticising his alleged many years of infidelity with a new advertisement for his latest business venture, “A Little Romance”. Cain, the CEO of this new company said during yesterday’s press conference that he has decided to  combine his business skills and his charming ways and put them to good use by helping others who aren’t fortunate enough to hold several romantic relationships at once.

“It just came to me one night,” Cain said,”I sat down after formally dropping out of the 2012 Presidential race and started to think. I wondered what my future held and struggled to devise a way in which I could help the American public without having the power of the Presidential Office behind me. And then, I realised what my future calling will be, helping people who haven’t got that extra bit of spice in their life, people who have too much love for one person to handle. Of course I do respect marriage, it is a strong institution that should not be undermined, I work as an associate minister in my local church so I understand this. However, both of my non-executive directors, Sean Combs, William Clinton and Curtis Jackson agree with me that there’s nothing wrong with having a little too much love. In the future we plan to sell several products, from books such as “It didn’t mean a thing babe” and “You’re the only guy/girl for me” to surprise day trips to the spa or free football tickets for your other half, ensuring you peace and time to see your other family. We hope to start sales in the 1 quarter of 2012.”

Cain’s announcement has received mixed opinions, with men some applauding him for being a true American and a love philanthropist, while many women feel his skills could be put to better use. Several Presidential candidates have their own thoughts on the matter, with an unidentified candidate spreading rumours about the legitimacy of the allegations made against Cain during his Campaign. “Did he really have an extra-marital affair, or did it just give him more publicity for his new business venture? He’s just another Trump, too much wind and no action! So un-American!”

Whether Herman Cain’s business venture will be successful or not is anybody’s guess. Over the coming few months as his publicity accelerates we will finally know whether people hate the player or hate the game.

Man Realises He Is Not Special

… or is everybody copying me? Credit: Flickr - rosewithoutathorn84

— London, United Kingdom

Today at 02:32 AM, a man realised that he’s just another human being. “But my mother always told me that I’m special!” he whined, “She always told me that I could do whatever I put my mind to”. The man had the sudden epiphany this morning when he realised that nobody really gets to fulfil their dreams, and that as 1 person in a world of 7 billion, he has a very small chance of controlling his destiny.

“At first I felt sad.”, the man said,” but then I realised it’s exactly the same for everybody else. The dreams of being rich and successful are a futile wish that everybody has but very few accomplish. I might dream of becoming an entrepreneur only to spend the next 30 years struggling to run a chain of laundrettes. But hey, it’s not so bad, having this realisation has allowed me to adjust my goals to a more realistic level. Now I’m aiming to have a comfortable middle-class life earning an average wage for a person of my potential and if I’m very lucky, a garage to invite my friends around to watch sports. I also know what I have to do to achieve this new goal: Not work too hard, marry young and try to fabricate an interest in sports. Shouldn’t be as hard as making a multi-million pound company within 10 years, and this way I get to spend more time watching television!”

Having decided the new path his life would lead the man happily went to bed, only to be crushed by the weight of his guilt and a falling disconnected aeroplane engine. His funeral will be held on Friday.

80% of University Students Believe That Education Is a Distraction From University Life

Tutorial sheets? I prefer Youtube! Credit: http://www.theunemployee.com

— United Kingdom
– Magus Magister, Education Correspondent

Government sources and several special interest groups have finally published independent reports on student satisfaction with education which have each independently come to the conclusion that 80% of students at university are unhappy with the amount of work they are given. Several student unions have consulted with their students and have published official responses to their universities, suggesting ways in which students can be taught without having to attend their lectures or even be awake during college teaching hours. One student union, Imperial College Union, recommended that lecturers hold “open book” end-of-year tests or for harder exams provide an answer sheet for students to take into the exam. They said that the ethos behind such policies is that students shouldn’t have to worry about academic study while undertaking a university degree.

Imperial College Union President Scott Brown had this to say:

“When I came to university, I didn’t come to spend several hours a week in the library. Rather, I came with the expectation that I would have 3 or four years of self-discovery and experimentation while being fed the answers I needed to pass the degree, just like at school. I’m sure that many students are similarly surprised to learn that when the reach university they are expected to spend many precious hours during the prime of their life looking in books and listening to lectures. During my school career, while there was an adult who stood at the room during classes, their main purpose was to keep the general noise level in the room to a level suitable for whispered conversations about television shows from the night before. Instead, at university these people, so called ‘lecturers’ actually draw attention to your conversations and expect you to give them your undivided attention as they ramble on about some old fact that an old man discovered a long time ago. It’s just not relevant for today’s society or today’s generation. This needs to change!”

However, there has been some controversy as several upstanding academics have questioned the integrity of the reports. Professor First Name Last Name, Professor of Statistics at London University X stated, “It has become clear to me after reading through the various reports submitted by different groups that there is only one original piece of work from which the other published reports have been derived. Some of these authors obviously feel that we will not notice the widespread plagiarism if they paraphrase a friend’s work or simply translate it online into a few different languages and then back into English. Other authors have seamlessly integrated entire Wikipedia pages into their reports almost word for word, while others have varied their copying between several reports published last year. Either way the lack of professionalism is disappointing and I do hope the authors apply themselves more next time, I’ve seen their readership scores and they’ve shown far more potential.”

Chancellor Merkel and President Sarkozy Rally Forces To Save The Euro

I told you they'd love our proposal. Credit: http://www.thelocal.de

— Europe

– Borad Roberta, Treasonous European Correspondent

“The Euro crisis is coming to an end!”, Mr Sarkozy declared. “Chancellor Merkel and I have combined our charisma and political knowledge to devise a solution to the currency problem. We have realised that many European governments haven’t got enough money and have come together to persuade all member states to approve our idea. We believe that if we can license the production of Euros be school children throughout the Eurozone, we can find money where there was none. Now, we know that the idea of creating money from scratch is not a new one, but we believe that with the added concept of using child labour we have found a way to save our union from dissolution, while also giving our children the chance to learn a stable work ethic in a good, safe working environment. Hopefully this experience will guarantee that government deficits in our union in the far future and will also make parents the responsibility of their more mature children.”

Angela Merkel continued, “This idea has the backing of both the French and German people, and we hope we can convince our fellow member states that this is the path to a better destiny. Our children are the future and if we can prepare them for future financial responsibility when they can build good habits then we should be proud, as a union and some of us as parents, of how we have raised our offspring. We have seen similar schemes around the world and have decided to enlist the help of an academic consultancy, the Imperial College branch of SIFE who have a breadth of experience in enforcing child labour.”

The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister David Cameron has immediately proclaimed himself as a staunch opponent to the Merkel-Sarkozy proposition. “I have analysed their argument”, he said, “however we in the United Kingdom believe that this approach is too draconian for the Eurozone countries, a much softer approach is needed. Have a look at the UK, we run a chilled coalition and don’t feel the need to take away our children’s childhood. The public understand that Cool Dave and Naughty Nick are the people’s people. We have experience with finance, as children we grew up with a lot of it, so people trust us to be able to budget sensibly, not like the amateur budgeting of Gordon Brown and Alastair Darling. I prefer the carrot rather than the stick, the people appreciate that …” [David Cameron was then hit over the head by President Sarkozy, who then told him to “Shut up and mind his own economy”]

Americans Protest in Central Park

— New York City, New York

– Petter Barrington, American Correspondent

Thousands of Americans gather in Central Park to protest against democracy

Since Monday thousands of Americans have been heading to uptown Manhattan to take part in a new movement, Occupy Central Park. Today I’ve been talking to a few of the settled protestors to understand their motives. So far it seems that the people gathered here are united with a single purpose, to show their dissatisfaction with the current democratic system of government. In fact, these protestors are calling for an end to democracy in the White House and the introduction of open corruption and dictatorship to the head of the country.

I had a conversation with the leader of the movement, Dick Jersey who elaborated on the ethos of the group:

“… Well Pete, it’s like this. America is hurting, and we the people find the Administration guilty of negligence. However this negligence is not a passing phase, we believe this institutionalised negligence is a result of the poison of democracy. We believe, that it is time for the Federal Government to step aside and allow one man, a politically powerful, well connected and wealthy man, to take control of our blessed country and steer it in the direction of it’s future glory!

For too long we have suffered the indignity of decency, having to always do what’s right in the eyes of the world, being champions of justice and fairness, and now it is our time to prosper. America is a humble and poor nation, we rule the world fairly, often at a cost to ourselves, and we even sell our excess food to inhabitants of less privileged countries, giving them to chance to enjoy American food. However, thinking only of others and not for ourselves is hurting our fair nation, and it’s time to do something about it! We’re calling for change, change to the power structure of our beautiful land.

We need to be lead by one man, a man who has the voice of America, a man who epitomises the pinnacle of tyranny, a man who will put the needs of our nation before his own, a man who will make backroom deals in order to increase our prosperity. Without a dictator we are lost sheep, subject to the whims of squabbling politicians, each trying to shout louder than the other in order to make their voices heard. It will be tough and the change will encounter friction, but if we want to be able to compete with our peers in the Arab States and Africa we will need to evolve and adapt to face this ever-changing world!”

The protestors wish to broadcast their message to the world in hope that they will find comradeship amongst like-minded groups with a passion for activism. They have a well-established groups and pages on prominent social networking websites and the movement so-far seems to appeal to three key demographics in the American population, the unemployed youth, the contrary intellectuals and the uneducated masses. There have already been interviews with self-professed experts in American Law who claim that the right for dictatorship is clearly stated in the Constitution of the United States and that any American worth their salt will back the rising movement.

At the time of writing, the White House has refused to comment on the movement, however as the pressure grows will the political establishment start to feel the tension?

Public Bodies to Implement a Three Strikes Policy

Three Strikes and you're… unemployed! Credit: ZDNet Australia

— London, United Kingdom

– Torr Ri, Political Correspondent

With a recent cut in public sector wage rises for the next two years leading to a pay cut in real terms, and a call to reduce public sector pensions, civil servants and other affected parties have gone on strike today. This has forced approximately 58% of schools in England to close today, along with affecting roughly 6,000 routine medical operations. Today’s strikes have also had the effect of increasing the number of middle aged, middle class people handing out flyers on the streets and standing around with neatly printed posters. While this has given printing companies a slight boost in revenue, recent events have caused annoyance for people on the street as they have to put in more effort into not accepting flyers or making eye contact on their way to pick up lunch.

The government gleefully reported that less than a third of civil servants were on strike today, having been sneakily chained to their desks the previous evening after carefully scheduled office parties around the country. However, our sources tell us that these parties were funded by budget cuts in government departments forcing the closure of toilets in all publicly owned office spaces. Needless to say, groggy and disgruntled civil servants were heard to be muttering in rage this morning, angrily sending emails to their line managers, saying how ministers were [sic] “taking the piss”.

After a brief and sparsely attended cabinet meeting this morning, Prime Minister David Cameron is set to announce the implementation of a Three Strikes Policy in all public bodies, starting next January. The idea being that any public sector workers engaging in 3 or more strikes during their career will be politely sent a disparaging letter from the Prime Minister before promptly being fired and replaced by younger, more desperate workers. Upon getting wind of this latest developments, public sector unions such as NAPO are already urging members to strike for the right to strike. However, with decreasing pay and increasing apathy towards life, will civil servants roll with the punches, or take a stand after rushing home for the toilet?

Government Official Causes Misery For Others

— London, United Kingdom

– by Roving Reporter

 

This week A Government Official has caused pain and dismay for Others. Others had this to say about the matter:

“It’s just not on. A Government Official doesn’t understand the effects of his decisions, he doesn’t see how his choices can affect us! A Government Official sits in his ivory tower separated from The Public doing things which he feels necessary to keep his job! I feel upset this is he way politics is run these days, after all you’d think that what with Facebook and all, polls and democracy would be much easier.”

The Public similarly feels affected by the actions of A Government Official, saying:

“I complete agree with Others! Time and time again A Government Official acts without due regard for Others. We all know that politicians have no conscience but I feel that A Government Official is underestimating his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions! I was telling My Mate yesterday that due to choices made by A Government Official I was forced to only smoke one packet of cigarettes this week, after the Policy Instrument that A Government Official put into practice has severely affected my disposable income!”

Listening to the words of The Public one cannot help but sense a real anger towards A Government Official for his supposed lack of care for his duties. Hopefully the government can regain the support of  The Public and Others before the next elections roll around.

 

Welcome

Dear All, welcome to The News That’s Not! At TNTN we aim to bring you professionally written fictional news stories that will keep your week alive!